Six months

Yesterday our girls turned six months old (with the exception of Catherine on September 28). Sometimes I feel like each month is a vicious cycle of dates. Beginning with the day my water broke until Mary Grace died. It is a 16 day span of memories, and each date is permanently burned in my mind. I will say that yesterday was a good day. I focused on Olivia and what a sweet gift her life is. Just when I think there's no way to love her more, I do.

The past few weeks I've found myself wondering what life with four babies would be like. At six months old, what would her sisters look like? Would Catherine's hair have grown to cover the birthmark on top of her head or would she still be bald? Would Madelyn still be the smallest of her sisters and would she still look like her daddy? Would Mary Grace still look the most like Olivia? Would her hair have stayed blonde like it was when she was born? Would she be the biggest sister? There are so many questions I'll never know the answer to. It makes me that much more aware of how fleeting and unpredictable life in this world can be.

When you lose a child shortly after birth the hospital gives you a token to remember them by. Our hospital gave us three gold baby rings. A week after we left the hospital Reid and I picked out a chain so that I could wear them. That simple necklace symbolizes so much to me. Three little girls, who, though they are gone, will never be forgotten.

People often ask me if I'm ever mad at God. There were and still are moments throughout the day that I'm angry with Him. But, am I mad all the time? No. Even when we were in the thick of it all, I would plead with Him, "OK, God, where are you? Do you not see this is more than we can handle?" And, each time I asked, a peace I can't describe would come over me and I would hear Him say, "I'm still here. I'm right where I've always been. You're not alone." Its hard to describe, and even now when I think about those dark moments it amazes me that we made it through. But we did. We knew there was something bigger. Eternity.

{A couple of months ago one of my favorite bloggers, Angie Smith, wrote a POST that really resonated with where I felt like my heart has been through all of this.}

Happy six months to each of my girls. All four of you have forever changed my life. For that, I'll always be grateful.
Love,
Your Mommy