Skip to main content

Mud Pies

"For you have delivered my soul from death,
my eyes from tears, 
my feet from stumbling;
I will walk before the Lord
 in the land of the living."
Psalm 116:8-9 (ESV)
There's something I've been thinking about a lot lately. Something that, until a few nights ago I hadn't quite been able to clearly articulate. Its a feeling, a desire for more. At the same time there's a tug of my flesh that I just can't seem to shake.

During the two weeks I laid in bed at the hospital a lot of things I didn't like about my life became clear. When something so big is stripped from you, you begin to wonder why you ever cared about the little things - the gossip, the clothes, the house, the cars, the image, and on the list goes. In those weeks after we buried our girls and life settled into a new normal I struggled a lot. Truth is, I still struggle a lot. The things I hear people worrying over seem maddening, so trivial. And whats most frustrating is that I've found myself going back to that same place. Getting hung up on things that don't carry any eternal weight and many times failing to see that its an issue of the state of my heart. 

In my mind, I can see two large bodies of land with a huge divide between them. There's nothing special about the side I'm standing on - its dry and desolate, offering just enough to sustain life. But, on the other side is beauty like I've never known. Its a fruitful expanse that offers more than my heart and mind can fathom. The tricky part is that the only way to cross is by an old, rickety bridge. Its like, even though I know the other side offers abundant life, I can't get over my fear of crossing. The fear of letting go of what feels comfortable now and trusting that there's something better. I know there's something better.

“It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.” 


  1. An amazing post with amazing truths!

  2. Wonderful words and thoughts. Thank you!

  3. Thank you for this! I needed this reminder right now. So well said.

  4. Wow. Thank you for articulating this.

  5. I linked to this post because it struck a cord with how I have been feeling lately in regards to my own healing journey... It is perfection! Thanks for sharing! Love reading about your little lady & how your remember your other sweeties!


Post a Comment

Past Posts

Mary Grace

At 2:00 am this morning, our sweet Mary Grace was welcomed to Heaven. We found out this afternoon that she had a large brain hemorrhage. Reid and I spent three precious hours holding our daughter tonight. The nurses wrapped a pink bow around her little head and we swaddled her in a soft pink elephant blanket. During those hours, we told Mary Grace how proud we were of her fight, how she fulfilled our dreams of one day having a daughter to call "Gracie," and we even took a little nap, snuggled together as a family. If we told her we loved her once, we told her a thousand times. We prayed over her and gave her back to the Lord. We miss her more than words can say. I feel like we were punched in the stomach today and left with the wind knocked out of our lungs. Its so hard to understand "why?" in all of this. Tonight when we left the hospital, Reid turned on this song by David Crowder Band and we listened to it on repeat the whole way home. Its the exact state of our

One day at a time

For the first time in my life I feel like I'm truly living one day at a time. Reid and I had a pretty good day yesterday. We were able to sleep in which was wonderful. Reid made us lunch and we sat outside in the backyard. It was a beautiful day and being outside did a lot of good for my mental health. :) There were still a lot of hard moments as memories from the night before would come rushing back to mind. We miss our sweet babies so much. Olivia had a good day yesterday. It was uneventful (which is a very good thing in the NICU) and they were able to turn down some of her medicine. We call every morning to check on our sweet girl and her nurse was quick to tell us how feisty our daughter is. We picked up on that in her first day of life, but it was funny to hear that someone else had observed the same. We are so in love with our feisty little Olivia. After we left the hospital, Reid and I went on a dinner date. It was so good for us to get out and feel like we

Madelyn Barrett

I really don't even know where to begin or how to write this post. I've put it off for several days hoping that maybe if I let things sink in a little more it would be easy. This will never be easy. As you know, we welcomed three beautiful little girls into the world on Friday afternoon. We had hoped to continue to "buy time" and hold off on delivery for several more weeks. God has always had a plan much bigger than either Reid or I could ever imagine. I have to chose to believe, everyday, that somehow this all fits perfectly into that plan. We knew from the time of her delivery that Madelyn was struggling the most. The circumstances surrounding her birth caused a lot of trauma to her tiny body. After a day of fighting for a positive outcome, the neonatologist came to visit with us and told us it was time to let her go. Late Saturday night we went to the NICU to hold our precious baby for the first and last time. She was absolutely perfect and looked just like h


God has blessed our family with quite a surprise! Olivia is getting a little brother or sister in early December. We are thrilled! As of today I am nine weeks along. We went to the doctor several weeks ago and were able to see the tiny bundle and hear the heartbeat. Everything looks great and we are so thankful! I'll share more details in the next few weeks. :)

Family of Four

If all continues to go well we will be headed home from the hospital tomorrow. I got a little stir crazy this afternoon and walking the halls just wasn't going to cut it so I went down to the gift shop to browse a bit. It feels so good to actually feel good after surgery. I also feel pretty rested and I'm very ready to settle into our new normal at home. My dad and Ann have been taking care of Olivia and have been such a tremendous help to us. Reid's parents were in town until this afternoon and Olivia got to spend some time with them yesterday. She's been very well taken care of by all her grandparents and I'm pretty sure she hasn't thought twice about us. Out of sight, out of mind. She has had a cough for a few days so Reid took her to the doctor this morning. Sure enough the cough is just allergy related but sweet girl has her first ear infection. The good news is that she hasn't run a fever and was able to get antibiotics to treat it. For all the change