Skip to main content

Book of Pictures



I just finished making a iPhoto coffee table book of all the pictures Ashley Carson took at Thanksgiving. I posted some of them in an entry earlier this week. I have put off doing anything with these pictures for nearly six months, trying not to conjure up anymore emotions than necessary. I know what you're thinking, "Hello, then what do you think your blog is doing to you!" But there is something about looking at the pictures and writing an introduction to go along with the book that really got to me. 

How do you write the introduction to the last pictures that you have of your mom looking like your mom?

I found myself starting to write about how much my mom had wanted to take a family portrait, and how guilty I felt for waiting so long to do anything about it. I waited so long, in fact, that she didn't even have interest in looking at the pictures when my dad tried to show them to her. She got so much worse so soon after the pictures were taken, that I'm not even sure she realized we had them. I feel guilty that by the time we took pictures it was because I did finally realize how immanent the prognosis of her disease was. Like, the fog finally lifted and I thought, "Well, we need to do this now or it might not happen." Oh, how guilty I feel for thinking that! Sometimes I think there are so many things I would do differently if I could go back six years to the beginning of the diagnosis. 

Maybe, in the grieving process, I'm on the "upward turn." Instead of dwelling for days about my guilt and letting it affect my daily life, I am choosing to let go of it. Knowing that I can't control the past, only what I do from now on. 

I am thankful my God is a sovereign God.
 


Comments

  1. Amen. I think God's sovereignty is one of my favorite attributes of His. I love and miss ya!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Past Posts

Mary Grace

At 2:00 am this morning, our sweet Mary Grace was welcomed to Heaven. We found out this afternoon that she had a large brain hemorrhage. Reid and I spent three precious hours holding our daughter tonight. The nurses wrapped a pink bow around her little head and we swaddled her in a soft pink elephant blanket. During those hours, we told Mary Grace how proud we were of her fight, how she fulfilled our dreams of one day having a daughter to call "Gracie," and we even took a little nap, snuggled together as a family. If we told her we loved her once, we told her a thousand times. We prayed over her and gave her back to the Lord. We miss her more than words can say. I feel like we were punched in the stomach today and left with the wind knocked out of our lungs. Its so hard to understand "why?" in all of this. Tonight when we left the hospital, Reid turned on this song by David Crowder Band and we listened to it on repeat the whole way home. Its the exact state of our

One day at a time

For the first time in my life I feel like I'm truly living one day at a time. Reid and I had a pretty good day yesterday. We were able to sleep in which was wonderful. Reid made us lunch and we sat outside in the backyard. It was a beautiful day and being outside did a lot of good for my mental health. :) There were still a lot of hard moments as memories from the night before would come rushing back to mind. We miss our sweet babies so much. Olivia had a good day yesterday. It was uneventful (which is a very good thing in the NICU) and they were able to turn down some of her medicine. We call every morning to check on our sweet girl and her nurse was quick to tell us how feisty our daughter is. We picked up on that in her first day of life, but it was funny to hear that someone else had observed the same. We are so in love with our feisty little Olivia. After we left the hospital, Reid and I went on a dinner date. It was so good for us to get out and feel like we

Madelyn Barrett

I really don't even know where to begin or how to write this post. I've put it off for several days hoping that maybe if I let things sink in a little more it would be easy. This will never be easy. As you know, we welcomed three beautiful little girls into the world on Friday afternoon. We had hoped to continue to "buy time" and hold off on delivery for several more weeks. God has always had a plan much bigger than either Reid or I could ever imagine. I have to chose to believe, everyday, that somehow this all fits perfectly into that plan. We knew from the time of her delivery that Madelyn was struggling the most. The circumstances surrounding her birth caused a lot of trauma to her tiny body. After a day of fighting for a positive outcome, the neonatologist came to visit with us and told us it was time to let her go. Late Saturday night we went to the NICU to hold our precious baby for the first and last time. She was absolutely perfect and looked just like h

Surprise!

God has blessed our family with quite a surprise! Olivia is getting a little brother or sister in early December. We are thrilled! As of today I am nine weeks along. We went to the doctor several weeks ago and were able to see the tiny bundle and hear the heartbeat. Everything looks great and we are so thankful! I'll share more details in the next few weeks. :)

The babies are here!

Friends and Family, Late this afternoon we became the proud parents of three little girls. Madelyn Barrett: 1 pound Olivia Bain: 1 pound, 5 ounces Mary Grace: 1 pound, 10 ounces The babies are stable in the NICU  tonight and we are hopeful that God is going to move mountains as they grow and thrive. Madelyn's (Baby B) amniotic sac ruptured on Sunday night. We had a sonogram done each day this week to check her heart beat, fluid level, and position. The doctors told us Friday morning that she was not likely to make it and that delivering her was not an option as it put too much risk on Mary Grace and Olivia. Once again, we were told to wait and see. Around 4:30 Friday afternoon I delivered Madelyn. The NICU team was here immediately to begin working on her. When the doctor checked on the status of the other girls, he saw signs of infection and he immediately performed an emergency c-section to deliver Mary Grace and Olivia. We have seen the Lord's mercy through each to