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Six months


Yesterday our girls turned six months old (with the exception of Catherine on September 28). Sometimes I feel like each month is a vicious cycle of dates. Beginning with the day my water broke until Mary Grace died. It is a 16 day span of memories, and each date is permanently burned in my mind. I will say that yesterday was a good day. I focused on Olivia and what a sweet gift her life is. Just when I think there's no way to love her more, I do.

The past few weeks I've found myself wondering what life with four babies would be like. At six months old, what would her sisters look like? Would Catherine's hair have grown to cover the birthmark on top of her head or would she still be bald? Would Madelyn still be the smallest of her sisters and would she still look like her daddy? Would Mary Grace still look the most like Olivia? Would her hair have stayed blonde like it was when she was born? Would she be the biggest sister? There are so many questions I'll never know the answer to. It makes me that much more aware of how fleeting and unpredictable life in this world can be.

When you lose a child shortly after birth the hospital gives you a token to remember them by. Our hospital gave us three gold baby rings. A week after we left the hospital Reid and I picked out a chain so that I could wear them. That simple necklace symbolizes so much to me. Three little girls, who, though they are gone, will never be forgotten.

People often ask me if I'm ever mad at God. There were and still are moments throughout the day that I'm angry with Him. But, am I mad all the time? No. Even when we were in the thick of it all, I would plead with Him, "OK, God, where are you? Do you not see this is more than we can handle?" And, each time I asked, a peace I can't describe would come over me and I would hear Him say, "I'm still here. I'm right where I've always been. You're not alone." Its hard to describe, and even now when I think about those dark moments it amazes me that we made it through. But we did. We knew there was something bigger. Eternity.

{A couple of months ago one of my favorite bloggers, Angie Smith, wrote a POST that really resonated with where I felt like my heart has been through all of this.}


Happy six months to each of my girls. All four of you have forever changed my life. For that, I'll always be grateful.
Love,
Your Mommy

Comments

  1. You and your family will continue to be in my prayers. I love the picture of Olivia with the other girls socks! How sweet!

    I am more than an a year out from my loss and I can tell you that it does get better. It is no easier to understand. You will always miss your girls. You will always wonder wonder wonder about how life will be if they were here. God will always give you that peace that passes understanding!

    Your girls will always be remember!

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  2. Thank you for sharing your story. What a wonderful God we serve. The photo above is precious.

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  3. Made me cry......sorrow AND joy.....

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Past Posts

Mary Grace

At 2:00 am this morning, our sweet Mary Grace was welcomed to Heaven. We found out this afternoon that she had a large brain hemorrhage. Reid and I spent three precious hours holding our daughter tonight. The nurses wrapped a pink bow around her little head and we swaddled her in a soft pink elephant blanket. During those hours, we told Mary Grace how proud we were of her fight, how she fulfilled our dreams of one day having a daughter to call "Gracie," and we even took a little nap, snuggled together as a family. If we told her we loved her once, we told her a thousand times. We prayed over her and gave her back to the Lord. We miss her more than words can say.

I feel like we were punched in the stomach today and left with the wind knocked out of our lungs. Its so hard to understand "why?" in all of this. Tonight when we left the hospital, Reid turned on this song by David Crowder Band and we listened to it on repeat the whole way home. Its the exact state of our …

Madelyn Barrett

I really don't even know where to begin or how to write this post. I've put it off for several days hoping that maybe if I let things sink in a little more it would be easy. This will never be easy.

As you know, we welcomed three beautiful little girls into the world on Friday afternoon. We had hoped to continue to "buy time" and hold off on delivery for several more weeks. God has always had a plan much bigger than either Reid or I could ever imagine. I have to chose to believe, everyday, that somehow this all fits perfectly into that plan.

We knew from the time of her delivery that Madelyn was struggling the most. The circumstances surrounding her birth caused a lot of trauma to her tiny body. After a day of fighting for a positive outcome, the neonatologist came to visit with us and told us it was time to let her go.

Late Saturday night we went to the NICU to hold our precious baby for the first and last time. She was absolutely perfect and looked just like her da…

The babies are here!

Friends and Family,

Late this afternoon we became the proud parents of three little girls. Madelyn Barrett: 1 pound Olivia Bain: 1 pound, 5 ounces Mary Grace: 1 pound, 10 ounces The babies are stable in the NICU  tonight and we are hopeful that God is going to move mountains as they grow and thrive.

Madelyn's (Baby B) amniotic sac ruptured on Sunday night. We had a sonogram done each day this week to check her heart beat, fluid level, and position. The doctors told us Friday morning that she was not likely to make it and that delivering her was not an option as it put too much risk on Mary Grace and Olivia. Once again, we were told to wait and see. Around 4:30 Friday afternoon I delivered Madelyn. The NICU team was here immediately to begin working on her. When the doctor checked on the status of the other girls, he saw signs of infection and he immediately performed an emergency c-section to deliver Mary Grace and Olivia.

We have seen the Lord's mercy through each tough d…

Family of Four

If all continues to go well we will be headed home from the hospital tomorrow. I got a little stir crazy this afternoon and walking the halls just wasn't going to cut it so I went down to the gift shop to browse a bit. It feels so good to actually feel good after surgery. I also feel pretty rested and I'm very ready to settle into our new normal at home.

My dad and Ann have been taking care of Olivia and have been such a tremendous help to us. Reid's parents were in town until this afternoon and Olivia got to spend some time with them yesterday. She's been very well taken care of by all her grandparents and I'm pretty sure she hasn't thought twice about us. Out of sight, out of mind.

She has had a cough for a few days so Reid took her to the doctor this morning. Sure enough the cough is just allergy related but sweet girl has her first ear infection. The good news is that she hasn't run a fever and was able to get antibiotics to treat it.

For all the change O…

One day at a time

For the first time in my life I feel like I'm truly living one day at a time. Reid and I had a pretty good day yesterday. We were able to sleep in which was wonderful. Reid made us lunch and we sat outside in the backyard. It was a beautiful day and being outside did a lot of good for my mental health. :) There were still a lot of hard moments as memories from the night before would come rushing back to mind. We miss our sweet babies so much.

Olivia had a good day yesterday. It was uneventful (which is a very good thing in the NICU) and they were able to turn down some of her medicine. We call every morning to check on our sweet girl and her nurse was quick to tell us how feisty our daughter is. We picked up on that in her first day of life, but it was funny to hear that someone else had observed the same. We are so in love with our feisty little Olivia.

After we left the hospital, Reid and I went on a dinner date. It was so good for us to get out and feel like we c…