"For you have delivered my soul from death,
my eyes from tears,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling;
I will walk before the Lord
in the land of the living."
Psalm 116:8-9 (ESV)
There's something I've been thinking about a lot lately. Something that, until a few nights ago I hadn't quite been able to clearly articulate. Its a feeling, a desire for more. At the same time there's a tug of my flesh that I just can't seem to shake.
During the two weeks I laid in bed at the hospital a lot of things I didn't like about my life became clear. When something so big is stripped from you, you begin to wonder why you ever cared about the little things - the gossip, the clothes, the house, the cars, the image, and on the list goes. In those weeks after we buried our girls and life settled into a new normal I struggled a lot. Truth is, I still struggle a lot. The things I hear people worrying over seem maddening, so trivial. And whats most frustrating is that I've found myself going back to that same place. Getting hung up on things that don't carry any eternal weight and many times failing to see that its an issue of the state of my heart.
In my mind, I can see two large bodies of land with a huge divide between them. There's nothing special about the side I'm standing on - its dry and desolate, offering just enough to sustain life. But, on the other side is beauty like I've never known. Its a fruitful expanse that offers more than my heart and mind can fathom. The tricky part is that the only way to cross is by an old, rickety bridge. Its like, even though I know the other side offers abundant life, I can't get over my fear of crossing. The fear of letting go of what feels comfortable now and trusting that there's something better. I know there's something better.
“It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”