For the first time in my blogging history I really don't know what to say. I keep waiting to update thinking I will have something positive to say, but I might be waiting a very long time for that.
Mom was started on a new medication Tuesday that seems to have stopped the combativeness, but she is in a very sedated state because of it, rarely responding even we ask her to squeeze our hands. To give you an idea of where she is cognitively, the only response we get from her that makes sense is when we say "I love you." She will usually respond with a faint "I love you." Other than that there is no sensible communication, she does not show affection, but occasionally makes a movement that would indicate she knows my dad, Mimi, or Auntie Joye are in the room (even seeing something in these movements could be our hopefulness).
It is crazy to think that, in a sense, we made it through our first Christmas without my mom. Even as I write this, the emotions I felt as I left her at the hospital Christmas Eve come racing back. I never had the chance to give my mom the necklace I had bought her for Christmas. It is sitting beside my bed - a charm necklace with the word "Hope" inscribed. "A reason to hope" is the Alzheimer's slogan. I spent my visit with her on this day explaining that we were celebrating the birth of our Savior, telling her how much Jesus loves her, singing to her, and telling her that when she is ready to go Home that same Savior that was born in a stable on Christmas morning will welcome her into His arms.
I honestly never thought I would lose my mom in my mid-twenties. I don't know how long I thought she would live with this disease, but I certainly never imagined it to be so sudden, for me to feel so unprepared to go on without my Mama. The certainty that she will not know my babies, nor see me as a mom. Five years can't prepare you to lose what could have been 25 more years of memories.
Though this week has been hard, it has brought some perspective for me. I was reminded by John 3:16: "For God so loved the world that He sent His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life." God loved the sinner so much that He sent His own Son to die for our sin. I never understood the painful sacrifice that God and Jesus made when they decided that was the only payment able to be made for the sin of the world. I watch my mom, try to comfort her, imagine her thoughts, her fears. God did the very same thing during His Son's last few days as part of this world. And then He watched as His Son took our sin on His shoulders.
*To listen to the song Faithful One by Selah you will need to pause the music on the blog music player in the lower right portion of the page.